We are ALL prisoners of our childhood, and how RIE can set us free

We are all prisoners of our childhood. Swiss author Alice Miller in 1979 wrote the book "The Drama of the Gifted Child" The original title was "Prisoners of Childhood." While learning from Dr. Gabor Mate, I came across her book when he recounted the time he found this book. He was in his forties, and, on the outside, he was this successful doctor and a father, but inside was depressed and anxious; he was a driven work-alcoholic. Nobody would know this on the outside, but inside him, he was discouraged, had difficulties in his marriage, and his children were afraid of him because of his rages, and this book helped him understand where all of this was coming from — his childhood. 

Without knowing much about science and all this information, early in my career as a nanny, I watched some parents being happy with their children as long as they were "happy," "well-behaved," and "corresponding" to their present needs or requests. And at the first sign of discomfort, the parents will hand the baby down to me or ask the children to leave. I didn't make much of it since that was "my job." I observed some discomfort and inadequacy in the parents. They did not know how to be with their children. I always wondered why. I used to think they were tired from work, stressed, or this is what I am getting paid for.

From the child's point of view, thou, this kind of interaction leaves the two-year-old child thinking in despair, "Why does mom leave me every time I feel discomfort? Why does she not take pleasure in me? What is wrong with me that she prefers to go to other people? What can I do to make her stay with me? Then he is asked to shush it and be good. Therefore, he learns to push down his feelings, but they will cause problems later on. They learn to tune out to protect themselves from the stress in their environment; it doesn't take a lot of stress if they are very sensitive.  

What are children's basic needs?

• They must have a good relationship with their parents and closest adults. A good relationship is one where one can be authentic (Free to express all emotions) without worrying about being judged or rejected.

• They need a good physical and emotional environment. 

• They need consistency and routines.

• They need good role models.

Sounds simple, right? Why, then, is parenting so hard? You guessed. Many of us didn't have a good relationship with our parents, or worse; we still don't have a good relationship with them. Or we grew up in a "loving" environment. Our parents loved us, but we didn't connect, or they were constantly stressed about making a living for us. Maybe there wasn't any structure or routines, every day was different, or if there were any rules, they'd break them themselves at the slightest sign of discomfort from us. Therefore, we lacked role models.

Perhaps you recognize yourself in the description above. It wouldn’t surprise me since we tend to parent the way we were parent. 

The Drama of the Gifted Child explains how the damage in our childhood impacts our future. We can't change our past, but we can change ourselves. To allow children to experience healthy development, the parents' ought to have grown up in a similar environment. But not everyone had that privilege. 

What to do, then? What is the fix? Well, there are no recipes or magic tricks. Still, I want to submit to you that applying the RIE® principles can help us find a way to recognize what we are missing and prevent stressing our children.  

Putting into practice, the RIE® (Resources for Infant Educarers™) principles can help us grow into the parents our children need regardless of our past. It did it for me and can do it for you. 

RIE® can help you:

1. See Your Baby with New Eyes: We care for infants and young children based on how we see them. The person who believes an infant is competent will interact with and care for him very differently than the person who believes the infant is helpless. There is a belief system that tells us that babies are helpless and that they are not yet ready to understand what is happening to them. It is not true. Babies are not helpless. We can trust that by observing them and paying attention to their cues, we will get to know them, and they will get to know us.

How do we do that? By intentionally observing. By getting into the habit of talking to our babies from day one, what do we say? What do you say to your partner or spouse when you wake up? "Good morning," "I love you," I am going to get coffee.. and so on, to the baby: "Good morning," "I love you," "I am going to pick you up," "I am going to take you to the changing table to change your diaper." "You're still sleepy." You get the idea.  We talk to the baby constantly; we tell them what we will do with them before we do it. 

The baby learns: I am an initiator, explorer, and self-learner. I can become an active participant during my care and not a passive recipient!

The parents learn: To observe, to allow the baby to learn that he can trust them with his care.

2. Have Respectful Interactions with Their Children: We respect children and demonstrate our respect every time we interact with them. Respecting a child means treating the youngest infant as a unique human being, not an object.

The baby learns: I am respected, my parents give me their full undivided attention, and I am accepted as I am. I am loved and cared for when I sleep, when I don't, when I cry, and when I am calm. I can relax knowing that my needs will be met.

The parents learn: To trust this process and patience.

“One of the essential needs for children is the freedom to express all their emotions. They include anger, lust, curiosity, playfulness, fear, grief even panic. In an atmosphere of respect and tolerance for her feelings, a child will experience all of them. They must be able to express it and have that expression received, understood, attuned with, and held by the adult world.” – Gabor Mate

3. Create Environments That Promote Natural Gross Motor Development: We don't rush development; we patiently wait for the baby to reach all developmental stages, rolling, sitting, crawling, and walking at their own pace. 

The baby learns: I am accepted and loved at my stage. I don't have to perform to be loved; I don't have to roll, sit, crawl, stand, and walk faster to beat the neighbor's baby or my cousin Allie! My parents understand that I will do it when my body is ready.

The parents learn: To enjoy the wonders of child development. And that the grass doesn't grow taller because we pull it!

4. Foster Good Relationships Between the Babies, her Parents, and the Adults Closest to Her. We are attuned with the baby. There's nothing I do to the baby or for the baby, but we do everything together. 

The baby learns: I am a free human being, an equal partner in the relationship with the adult caring for me. 

The parents learn: It is a dream to care for such a fantastic individual who, day after day, teaches me how capable and how eager to learn and communicate he is.

"If you identify and agree with our basic principles, you can use them to develop inner guidelines for responding to the many perplexing issues of parenthood." -Magda Gerber

When a child is offered this kind of beginning, we can help them reclaim their lives by discovering their own selves and needs. Every child has a legitimate need to be noticed, understood, taken seriously, and respected by their parents. It is helpful for parents to avoid projecting their fears and plans onto their children. Because in that case, the child wouldn't find themselves in their parent's face, but rather their projections. This child would remain without a mirror and seek it in vain for the rest of their life.

We all need healing from our childhood trauma. While parenting, we will get “triggers” from our past experiences; perhaps we have zero tolerance for crying because while growing up, “crying was not allowed.” 

The more we practice respectful interactions with our children we are rewiring our mindsets, and change is possible. We become more healthy, self-aware, and regulated. Therefore, we can be present and able to connect with our children.

What can we learn from RIE®? We can help children today, it doesn't have to happen later in life when they become parents, but we can offer this from the day they are born. I hope this encourages you!

To start practicing the RIE® principles, join our coaching sessions or courses for parents here: https://www.riesersforbabies.com/all-services

Happy parenting!